Many of you know the meaning of the hashtag, #4Bunny some do not. This post should explain everything.
This may not “flow” as it is very difficult for me to write. There are a lot of raw emotions with this, some will be addressed, some won’t be, so if there seems to be a gap here and there, that is why. This is also my second posting. The first one I took down because to say I got “hate mail” is the understatement of the year….
Not to be cliché but I am going to enlist the help of one lovely lady by the name of Elsa to help tell my story. She is one of the most popular ladies lately and to be honest, her words help me…greatly. (Disney please don’t come after me with your firm fist and legalities, I just have a story to tell and need Elsa’s help…ok?)
My upcoming race has HUGE emotional significance. Will I post pictures? Maybe not. Will I write a race recap? Most likely not. It is personal, it is between Mom and I and no one else.
I am a “pleaser” to a fault. I like to bring love, comfort and happiness to people. To the point to where I have changed myself to be who I need to be for what someone wanted me to be, for them.
“a kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the queen”
2012 I was told I needed to do Triathlons. I signed up for a bunch. I like training for them, because I am a runner and love the cross training aspect. I love triathlon. I LOVE IT, as a spectator and Coach, NOT personally as an athlete. It is not who I am. I am a runner. I love to run long, and slow, that is my happy place. But being the pleaser I am, I did what I was told and was miserable.
“Be the good girl you always have to be, conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know”
My Mom and I had a very special relationship. She was unique. Due to our life circumstances (we went through hell together more than once) we grew close. Cancer, death, homelessness, and abuse…we went through a lot together and survived together. We understood and accepted each other for who we were. She was my Mom and scared the CRAP out of me like any Mom should, but I knew 2000% she loved me no matter what. I was lucky to be able to have that 1 person I could always talk to about anything and everything, no matter what.
On August 17, 2013 I called Mom like I usually did on weekends. I had just run the Nevada State Games 5k and won my 2nd gold medal.
Note: Mom has always listened and supported. Always. No matter the situation, she wouldn’t say anything negative. She would show support, no matter what.
That day. She didn’t. For the first time in my life, she let it fly…..
“The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside, (she) Couldn’t keep it in”
She unleashed her fury on me….
Her words: When did I make someone else’s goals mine? When did I become a puppet? She was angry, VERY angry. She pointed out the joy in my voice that day. She said I was always happy when I was running. I had been chasing and dreaming of ultra distances and suddenly stopped. She said that was when she noticed my joy disappeared.
I will spare the other details of the rest of the conversation, as it was a beautiful, wonderful conversation with Mom. One thing she did do and she was adamant about it, she would not let me hang up the phone until I made a few promises, the big one was to go after my dream of running an ultra marathon.
This was the last conversation I would ever have with her.
That following week my world began to unravel. Mom was found on the floor in her home. She was rushed to the hospital. She was already frail from years of battling breast cancer that had spread into her lungs.
I spoke to a nurse via phone at the hospital. Her words “you need to get on a plane, now”.
I flew to North Carolina. My heart in my throat. Mom was on a ventilator and they weren’t taking her off until I got there.
I remember running in the hallway to ICU. I went through the doors, walked into her room. She looked at me with piercing fierce eyes and snapped her fingers and pointed at her legal pad and pen. I handed them to her. She wrote one word “ultra” and pointed her tiny finger at me. I giggled. My sisters and the nursing staff were puzzled. I put my hands on my hips “OK!!!! Seriously Mom. I promised! I flew 2000 miles for this??? GEEZ!” She was unable to smile because of the equipment she was hooked up to, but the smile, was in her eyes….
After a lot of ups and downs and long sleepless nights, Mom passed away quietly on Sept 6th. The staff at Moses Cone Hospital was so good to “Miss Bunny” and my sisters and I. I will be forever grateful.
People in the running community were supportive and ran in Mom’s memory “#4Bunny”
I am going to wrap the rest of this up pretty quickly now. I just needed to capture the emotion and significance. After Mom’s funeral a “kink” in my shoulder escalated to THE WORST pain of my life. Only those who have had this know the depth of this pain. It was awful. I was in my own personal hell.
People were upset with me because I wasn’t “there” for them. It hurt. Then it made me very angry. I did this to myself. It was that “pleasing” nature. Never again. Never. Painful lesson learned when people turn on you when you are in despair.
“I don’t care what they’re going to say, let the storm rage on”
I’ll admit I was sunshine and roses on social media.
“don’t let them in don’t let them see be the good girl you always have to be”
That is what people expected from me. What was really going on was more than anyone could even imagine. I was in a dark place. A very, dark place. I was confined to a chair. I could not care for myself, let alone my family. It took 8 hours for a medical staff to be able to get me to lie down for 30 seconds to get an MRI. Every time I would try to lay down the pain had me screaming at the top of my lungs. The MRI showed many things wrong but most importantly that I had bone spurs on my spine sawing on my nerve chord. Surgery was necessary.
My chiropractor was a huge advocate for me and was able to speed up the process and get me to surgery. 10/24/2013. I am forever grateful. Dr. Easton and Martha, you both have been more to me than just a chiropractic office. Thank you.
After surgery true beautiful colors showed and a lot of people supported my family and me. They came with food, helping to care for my son and more. This allowed me to be able to heal and recover quickly.
I also have to say my husband is a loving, supportive and patient man. He had to do everything as I couldn’t do anything. He was beside me every step of the way as I went through this hell.
Since spine surgery I have been slowly, and carefully rebuilding. My supportive friend, business partner, and coach, Rebecca supports my goals. She “gets” my training happy place. MY goals. Without her, I would not be where I am today.
“the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all”
For those who have seen my profile photo on Facebook, this is what it is about. My Mom’s name is Bunny. Her favorite color is purple (like me). The promise I made is #4Bunny. On Sunday October 26, I will begin to fulfill my promise I made to Mom.
As long as can….I plan to continue to fulfill that promise….
“It’s time to see what I can do, To test the limits and break through, no right, no wrong, no rules for me, I’m free!”